The 4 most harmful mistakes in your conflicts

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Recognizing Harmful Communication Strategies in Relationships

John Gottman's research has identified four specific communication strategies, known as the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," that can significantly impact a couple's relationship, especially during conflict resolution.
These four behaviors are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Criticism
Criticism in a relationship can have adverse effects on both partners and the overall health of the relationship. It often involves blaming and attacking the partner's character, pointing out perceived flaws and mistakes. For example, a partner may say, "You never listen to me" or "You always make everything about yourself." These statements not only blame the partner but also imply that the flaws are inherent to their character.
Another example of criticism could be constantly pointing out a partner's mistake in a way that implies incompetence. For instance, "You forgot to pay the bills again. You're so irresponsible." Such statements can be hurtful and damaging to the recipient, leading to feelings of defensiveness, resentment, and lowered self-esteem. It's important to recognize the impact of criticism and strive to communicate in a more constructive and empathetic manner to foster a healthier and more supportive relationship.

Defensiveness

Defensiveness can manifest in various ways beyond counter-attacks or playing the victim. For instance, some individuals may deflect blame by shifting focus onto the accuser's behavior or actions, such as saying "You always do this too!" This type of defensiveness aims to redirect attention and avoid taking responsibility.
Another example of defensiveness is rationalization, where individuals offer seemingly logical explanations or excuses for their behavior to justify their actions. They may say things like "I had no choice because..." or "Anyone else would have done the same thing."
Moreover, minimizing the impact of the accusation is another form of defensiveness. This can take the form of downplaying the significance of the situation or the hurt caused, such as saying "It's not a big deal" or "You're making too much out of this."
Additionally, defensiveness can be seen in withdrawal or stonewalling, where individuals shut down communication or physically leave the situation to evade further confrontation. This behavior aims to create distance and avoid facing the issue at hand.
By recognizing these additional examples of defensiveness, couples can better understand the various ways it can manifest and address it effectively.

Contempt

Contempt in a relationship can take various forms that are detrimental to the emotional connection between individuals. For example, using a sarcastic tone during conflict, such as saying "Oh, great idea, as always" or "You're a real genius, aren't you?" can convey contempt and belittle the other person's ideas or contributions.
Name-calling is another example of contempt, where one person may use derogatory terms like "stupid," "idiot," or "jerk" to demean the other during an argument, showing a lack of respect and understanding.
Expressions of superiority and disdain can also manifest as eye-rolling, conveying the message of "I can't believe I have to deal with this" or "You're not worth taking seriously," which deeply undermines the positive foundation of the relationship.
In any of these forms, contempt can create lasting resentment and erode the emotional bond between individuals, making it crucial to address and work through in order to rebuild a healthy and respectful connection.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling in a relationship can take various forms, such as refusing to make eye contact, giving the silent treatment, or physically leaving the room during a conversation. This breakdown in communication can lead to unresolved issues and a growing emotional gap between them.
Stonewalling not only hinders conflict resolution but can also erode the emotional bond between partners. The consistent experience of being shut out and ignored can lead to long-term damage in the relationship, as the partner who stonewalls may become a source of anxiety and resentment for the other. This emotional distance can eventually lead to a breakdown in the overall connection and intimacy within the relationship, making it crucial to address and overcome stonewalling behaviors to foster a healthier and more communicative partnership.

Conflict in relationships is inevitable, but making these 4 harmful mistakes doesn’t have to be. Take a deep breathe when your become triggered and angry. Think and use consciousness to actively decide how to express yourself without criticizing, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.

If you and your partner want to learn more about conflict resolution, reach out today to schedule your consultation!